There are so many words, that it is understandable how one may find it a small deal in wasting them or impossible to be at a loss for them. But alas, neither is true and such is my current plight.

I’ve done a lot of growing into my words. I’ve learned to better tailor them to suit my intention. But at times, such as now, I struggle with the precise placement of them to accurately illustrate my paradox of thoughts.

I just sit at my keyboard wanting so badly to press out all that is consuming me. But I just sit there. Too anxious. For both the webbing of my mind and the thread of words to pick from are delicate.

So I’ll continue to sit where words can find me. When they do, you’ll be the first to know.

ellipses-

1. Grammar.

It’s July and things are strange. The summer hit snooze about four or five times and is just getting to work in NY. However, I am not complaining; at least I missed the hail storms. But aside from the weather, things have been quite peculiar in my world. I am in no-woman’s land. Stranded, sitting in a dark, empty waiting area between my twenties and my thirties. The door to my twenties is closing and I am peaking into the cracked door marked 30s. I see marriage. I see children. I see a home. I see a wiser me. It gives me great happiness and unspeakable sadness, simultaneously.

It makes me want to cling to old friends to salvage parts of me that they know better than anyone I will meet now, better than even I do. It makes me wanna tense up in an attempt to stop aging, as if flexing every muscle in my body will somehow bring back my childhood…as if squeezing my eyes shut will make the image of a little me swinging on my daddy’s arm real once again.

But as I relax, the vision tranforms. My daddy turns into my future-husband and the child on his arm that was once me, becomes my daughter.

I’ve reached a new understanding. The knowledge that it is my turn to be what my parents are to me. That person to cling to who will make everything okay. That person to provide support and warmth to another generation of family. And that gives me strength. Forces me to grow. To prepare. To ready myself. It shows me the need for self-improvement and justifies the trials of self-betterment.

It’s easy to blame our lives and situations on other people: Well if he/she didn’t do this then… I would be okay if he/she… I am suffering because of him/her…But the reality is, we create our lives. We make what we want to out of what life serves us. We become who we choose to become.

Right now, I can choose to dwell on the past. I can sit right in this waiting room and refuse to move into the next room because I am not finished sulking; because I am not done hating people who hurt me; because I am not done wishing and hoping and praying that things could’ve, should’ve, would’ve happened differently.

But, instead, I choose to collect all the heavy baggage laying at my feet, run and catch the door to my twenties before it shuts completely, and stuff all those burdens into that room and slam the door.

I’ve always preferred traveling light anyway.

-cyu

We, as beings innately infatuated with growth, tend to crane our necks and go up on our tippytoes, straining to look into the future. Worrying about what will come next. Obsessed with everything we want to do, everything we wish to accomplish and acquire, everything we want to become.

We, more often than not, forget to feel the present, enjoy the moment, live for the minute.

We also forget to look at all that we’ve already done.

Tomorrow will make ONE YEAR since I wrote my first Qomplesso post. (Wow, That just hit me. lol.)

So much has happened in my life this past year: loss of loved ones, finding new ones, crazyass neighbors, new jobs, new ventures, like 50 different hairstyles, leaving old spaces to move into new ones (literally and figuratively). Wrote my first short film; took my first steps toward working in Film; tried guacamole and flan (and liked both!); reunited with childhood friends; walked away from drama (in one piece!); traveled to paris;…hold up…

Okay, I’m back. Sorry. Just found bacon on my wrap and had to call the restaurant and go ballistic on the cashier and cook. Where was I? Ah yes, things I’ve done:

Cursed out a few incompetent people. Started a site, (really just as a place where I could vent; really didn’t think people would actually visit it and regularly at that. lol)

The point is, we get so caught up in the things we haven’t done yet that we sometimes forget to take stock in what we HAVE done. And in turn don’t take much stock in ourselves.

Write a list of everything you’ve accomplished–even the smallest things–that you are proud of and celebrate it! Don’t be afraid to reach for a lot of tiny things if you aren’t finding that much. I won’t tell.

If you read this you are hereby required to share with me at least one thing that you are proud of having accompished since this time last year.

Why? Because it’s my site and I said so (**smile**) Besides, it’s my only ONE-YEAR-ANNIVERSARY wish, to be able to read something about you on my site’s anniversary.

Hell, I’ve been telling you all MY business thus far. I think it’s about time for some reciprocity. *wink*

So get to sharin’!!

CYU